please remember to give yourself grace
recently, i've been coming up with excuses to hate myself.
i thought closure was a right we were all entitled to. it's something expected psychologically. surely, human beings all have an unspoken agreement amongst ourselves to pass it along as a sign that we're all equals and we all respect each other and no one is as evil as evil can be.
reality itself can look vastly different depending on whose eyes are viewing it. some people struggle to grasp it at all, even if it's sitting right in front of them, staring at them plainly and conspicuously and God himself is holding a bright red blinking arrow pointing to it directly. i feel like i've been choosing not to acknowledge it in hopes that things will change if i just think they will hard enough.
sounds ridiculous, right? well, it is.
ridiculousness will always be, and will never work. and i know this. so, i start to try and fill in the gaps and the blanks with a terrible narrative in hopes of cementing shut the "closure pothole" i'd been left with that was really quite terrible for traffic up in the roads of my mind. mentally, i'm california, and my thoughts are the highway 101-south.
i've been looking for reasons that explain everything, and i've come to blame myself for all of it. i really feel guilty and all too deserving and ashamed. it's easy, because dealing with me is a lot easier than dealing with someone else. i run in circles and replay moments that should only have passed once, constructing meaning out of nothing and truths where there were only lies. i should have said this, i should have held my tongue there. i pushed where i needed to pull and sunk my teeth when i needed to swallow. every wrong turn i took meant willingly crashing into an obstacle.
the truth is, though, that it's easier for me to extract irrationalities. it comes from this need for control, to save myself and my feelings and a harsh reality i've been refusing to face. sometimes, it's nothing more than rejection. a normal, every day, ordinary occurrence. something so commonly shared and vital to the human experience. and to the surface is brought all of those terrible and horrible anti-niceties you otherwise choose to ignore about yourself. it spews out like self-perception vomit. the deed has been done, and now you must mop it up. get to work, bucko.
i hold so much regret and trouble for my words. but when i think about it, what was all that truly happened? i operated from a state of hurt and panic and disbelief. i'm not proud of that becoming, but it's the way i fought. it's what i thought was the right thing to do.
i want to go back to my past self and remind her to think about everything before she speaks.
and tell her that i forgive her.