life update + some thoughts about virtual, cute animals

 so, i've been playing a lot of animal crossing: new leaf. i actually consider the hours i've racked up on this game recently as the most frequent form of social contact i've had in a while, because frankly, my family doesn't count at all.

i went through something...tragic? traumatic? something with the prefix tra very recently. it was the fastest dissolution i've ever seen occur with my own two eyes. it was the first time in a very long time where i was forced to look at myself in the mirror and consider who i really was, even if my previous perceptions had gotten me by so far. i haven't come up with a conclusion yet, by the way.

i think the stress of everything materialized itself into something tangible, real, and never to be ignored by my body. i got pretty sick and haven't quite recovered from it yet. i imagine it to look a lot like a koffing or a weezing pokemon, all gross and evil and purple and swirling around my insides. here's to hoping for health, because having a stomach infection and being a debilitating emetophobic is a combination not for the weak of heart. which i am.

anyways, naturally, when something takes over your both physical and emotional standings of health, you're left to fend for yourself and find a way to be someone living that feels remotely manageable. i've been walking on eggshells my brain's scattered all around the floors of my house. eggshells actually feels rather tame-- i think it's more like a big, gigantic, emotionally volatile, hormone disrupting, cortisol spiking minefield. one wrong step and the entire neighborhood's gone kaput. if i turn to one side or the other in my bed, it can trigger thoughts about the future that never happened. and then i explode. or cry. or sometimes i just get really nauseous.

i've turned to the comfort of one of my oldest friends- a true companion, something that won't break no matter how much time passes. its resilience is actually incredibly impressive. it collects dust for approximately 350 days out of the year until i remember of its existence and feel pure, adolescent joy for those subsequent 15 days. then life takes over, boys become cuter, friends become freer, and tv shows become cooler. yet, my old friend never goes away. it sits patiently and waits to be in my hands once more.

what is this friend? i'm sure you're all wondering! it's my 3ds. a gift i was given in 2012, when faceraiders and ar cards and the streetpass quest game all felt like insane, universally necessary contributions to society. nintendo was my god, and i worshipped at its altar. 

as a kid, i obtained a copy of animal crossing: new leaf. i've seen countless opinions and thoughts and video essays on why new leaf is the best game and new horizons is sandbox poison and blah blah blah, but i happily agree with all of it! this is by no means a video game review blog, by the way. though this game does mean a lot to me, mainly because i've had my own copy for 13 years now. i still remember hearing the text-to-speech voice croon the letters E-p-i-c-v-i-l-l-e and then erasing the e and one of the ls because my town name was too long and thinking that it was perfect. no, no, epic.

my god, was it good to be 10.

so, with my purple weezing infection circling around in my insides and tears constantly moistening the ducts in my eyeballs, i've buried myself deep into this game. no-- this experience. the nostalgia of seeing my friends Gruff and Colton and having them give me more furniture than my measly wardrobe can handle and setting the in-game clock days and weeks ahead because i'm too impatient leaves me smiling, happily. and then i think to myself- my god, they're pixels! they are pixels walking around while "walking around grass sound effect" is programmed to follow their steps. and here they are, serving as my friends. Cranston tells me he'll treasure the memories of us in the scrapbook of his heart and i can't help but grin. i feel genuine, real guilt when i'm trying to catch a bug and end up bopping Peanut on the head. i'm so proud that i've donated every fossil to Blathers' museum. i've still got a ways to go for bugs and fish, and i curse my younger self for being so greedy and avariciously inclined and selling off my rare creatures for a pretty penny from Reese. god knows i'll never finish my catalog because i only go through this phase once a year.

my favorite villager is Cube. i've had him in every animal crossing game. i like that he's fat and i like that he's a penguin. seeing him when i boot up my save file is like unearthing the old stuffed animal you wedged deep in your closet, sweeping the dust off, and holding tightly while you sleep after feeling really lonely at night. 

there is something deeply satisfying, yet painfully irritating, spending my time this way. i circle the tropical island for hours and hours waiting to catch a whale shark or a golden beetle and scoff at every sea bass i fish up with my stupid rental rod. it's fantastic, and for a while, my mind shuts off. this level of escapism found only within the tiny four corners of my screen has given me more therapy than my actual therapist (who i've only had one session with. sorry for my hasty and quick-to-judge statement, allison). these fish and bugs and scarf-wearing sheep can't hurt me! the only debts i have are to a raccoon, and frankly, he doesn't mind as long as i'm not expecting a bigger house. i've never been good at interior decorating (considering i'm writing this to you from my teal-colored confines in california), so the space i've got is plenty.

it feels pathetic, but so is loneliness. so is figuring out how to be whole. so is picking yourself up, brushing off the dirt on your knees, and moving forward. but it doesn't make it worth nothing, in the end. if anything, i want to look back on these hours, on these bedsheets, on this blog post, and remember. i'll remember everything, all of it, until i abandon my town and Curt ends up giving me the boot and moving away. 

anyways, i have to go back to school soon. and my 3ds will fall into its solitude once more. but i know it'll be waiting for me, patiently, until something terrible (i couldn't thing of another word with tra off the top of my head. the closest i could get without resorting to google was troglodyte) happens to me once more, and i need a real friend.

my god-- just how alone do we have to be in the end?