hatred, guilt, and other pleasantries

i think we tend to run away when faced with guilt. to cope, all we can really do is look ahead, because we can only see things reflected into our iris. if we can't see our guilt, we can choose to believe that it subsequently can't see us, like children.

but it can, because it takes its shape as the memory of another person. it catches up to us, anyways. 

when i felt guilty, i'd never know what to do with myself. it's not tangible, so i can't release it from my arms and watch it slide down the trash deposit. but i can't stuff it somewhere deep and invisible either, because the mere action of doing that would force me to look it in the eye. i wished always to free it, even if it meant it'd flap its wings over my head. eventually, it would fly away, like most things do with time.

that's not to say i was able to set my guilt loose every time. actually, i feel it caged within my heart, locked away so tightly that it constricts my ability to speak and turns my throat blue. i feel guilty for the past, and that i cannot mend the past. i feel guilty that i had no knowledge to handle things and caused hurt by handling them at all. i feel guilty that i wanted to relieve myself because i just want to feel better, for once. i feel guilty for digging my heels in the ground when logic presented itself right in front of me.

we feel it in our present, in our every day, time ticking by and by and by. but it's always tied to something from our past, from a moment where we weren't feeling it all. but if it was created, that means it's always been. and that scares me, a lot.

i think guilt is something that stems from the deepest of human flaws-- pride. i felt so proud to be good. and i let myself become someone who moved because of it, instead of being weary of it. i was too proud. i was too good. and i ended up acting terribly.

at some point, i realized my pride had led me down a vicious line of thinking. i started to develop hatred. i started to develop the fear of being hated. it pointed to this terrible, horrible idea that how i see myself, and how i was seen before, could change. i certainly had no control over it, but at the same time, i was controlling it every single day through the mere choices i was making. 

i find it really hard to make peace with the fact that for one thing to exist, it now creates its own opposite. and we can make the choice to believe in one or the other. and then, we can make the choice to change our beliefs.

eventually, we have to get tired, right? whether it's tired of the good, or tired of the bad. the only way life moves forward with any meaning or difference is when we're tired. i'm sure this is true of guilt and hatred, too. they can't last forever, because love and acceptance can't either.

life is simply a culmination of choices we make, individually. sometimes, they get to align with others. and other times, they leave us alone.

we can always make the choice to say sorry. i'm sure, in my heart, it'll always mean something.