withhold your judgement, because i know how this sounds

-

dear universe,

i ask that you don't take my google searches from the past 5 months into consideration when my corporeal form is rotting in a casket and my soul's got her doom face on and her feet are planted into the puffy clouds of the pearly gates. i hope you understand that i did recognize the highest importance was to love myself regardless of whether or not i was loved by another. but i also just wanted to be happy again. i wonder if any of the methods to reach self-fulfillment made a difference.

i'm sure in years' time what's best will unfold in its diligence, like it always does. but i look at the state of previousness and realize it was nothing but incredibly mundane and lacked the excitement you gave me the smallest preview of. how am i supposed to believe in "what's best" if i'd finally gotten a taste of Eden's specialty? how do you expect me to return to what once was?

if i am to only live once, i want to live it with unconditionals.


Popular posts from this blog

neglect

-
i'm trying to be a little off-the-cuff here, and i'm not sure if i'll be able to succeed. i haven't been able to write anything for a while now, and i wonder if it's simply because i'll have to face truths the second i hear the keys start to click. i've been growing out my fingernails for a month. they make my maneuvers clunky and awkward and slow. my fingernails look so beautiful in their envy, but they stop me from pushing forward. i now live in fear that something will make them snap or snag or chip. i'll have to cut them off and wait for them to grow again. but i like them now, because they're long. and maybe they mean something more. they might be the only part of me that's grown besides my cheeks. i think i'm getting a little fat. perhaps i'm becoming more of a woman. i'm packing up a life i've lived and come home to for 22 years now, still unearthing things from decades prior. picking them up stings my throat as the dust co...
read this in its proper format, please

three months later

-
i haven't exactly shyed away from talking about this to anyone in real life, so i figured i'd take a crack at writing about it in my shielded bubble of a blog. if you're reading this, thank you for stopping by, even if the space seems small and subsequently intimate. sometimes, i feel like i'm indulgent. maybe incredibly so. my heightened emotional subjection clearly supports this claim, where little wins become triumphs and reality checks become devastations. despite the actual mundanity of my life, i tend to see the world as this grand, beautiful place where so much good is to be given and discovered and cherished. i look for the best in people and places and experiences. i'm rarely disappointed, but when it inevitably happens, it crushes me. not because something bad happened, but because i come to believe i deserved it. a moment where i spoke or held my tongue between my teeth has now cost me the right to give good and be good and receive good. i'm devastate...
read this in its proper format, please

there's a stark difference between acknowledgement and action

-
sometimes, like other human beings on Earth, i feel a separation pulling my brain from my skull to float above the rest of my body. i'm entirely out of my own, almost like a birdseye lens on a camera. i am both a king and his jester. she looks like rot; haggard and vaporous. it's not necessarily contentment, unless that's synonymous with defeatedness.  there really isn't much that can be done here. so i just watch, marking a star on my calendar for Judgement day.
read this in its proper format, please